Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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