Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
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