I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
