woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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