Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
