Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
