check it out our google latitudes are spooning
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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