I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
