Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
