dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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