don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
