theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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