Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
