how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize