A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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