you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
