this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
