The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
