the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize