Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
