You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
