Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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