I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
