When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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