I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
