turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
