I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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