but the lizard people decide everything anyway
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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