I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
