I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
