You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
