What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I checked into jail on foursquare
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
