thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
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