I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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