Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize