Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
