My nipple is on Facebook.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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