my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
