I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
