dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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