Do you still have your period?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
