you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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