So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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