New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
pop tarts are not kleenex
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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