Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
