My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
