You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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