Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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