So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize