Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize