i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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