My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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