Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize