so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
