I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
