Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
