the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
