I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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