Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize