I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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