I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
