whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
