well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
