i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
