then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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