pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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